It’s a simple question with a complex answer. What is your love language? Gary Chapman, author of “5 Love Languages,” suggests five principle ways we express and experience love. Each person has a primary love language that must be used to feel fully loved and understood. When love languages don’t match, couples must learn to speak a new language that their partner can easily understand. While initially proposed for vanilla relationships, I wondered how one’s love language might affect one’s perception and interest in kinky activities.
What are the five love languages?
Words of Affirmation – Speaking supportive words to your partner
Acts of Service – Doing helpful tasks for your partner
Receiving Gifts – Giving your partner gifts that tell them you were thinking about them
Quality Time – Spending meaningful time with your partner
Physical Touch – Being close to and caressed by your partner, but not necessarily sexual touch
Love languages are not about sex. They are about building emotional intimacy. However, they can be related to sex by improving communication and connectedness. When our emotional needs are met by our partner(s), we feel heard, understood, and valued. While we can also provide that support without using a partner’s primary love language, the task of meeting those needs is much higher.
Self-Challenge:
Try to identify which love language is yours and which is your partner’s. Does your partner agree with your assessment? Do your love languages match? Could you learn to speak your partner’s love language and improve your emotional communication? Do you each have a secondary love language you could utilize more often?
Does one’s primary love language affect perceptions of kink?
I was curious about how the five love languages might affect perceptions of kinky activities. I performed an unscientific poll focused on one BDSM activity, chastity (including tease & denial). I asked Twitter users what love language might be met through chastity/tease/denial activities. Due to the limits of the polling technique, I could only inquire about four of the five love languages. The results were surprising. “Acts of Service” was the most common love language addressed, but all were reported. Overall, participants in the poll thought this one activity could satisfy each love language. Therefore, it appeared that at least some kink may also meet our primary love language needs. Furthermore, kink activity may encourage a partner to learn a different love language, further improving communication and connectedness.
Words of Affirmation: Chastity play encourages communication. I realize this is an over-simplification, but a locked or teased partner requires support and affirmation to abstain from personal pleasure. Similarly, a keyholder/teaser may need to hear their partner’s enthusiasm for remained locked and under control.
Acts of Service: In chastity, tease, and denial, one partner reserves their sexual energy to benefit another. While this could be an act of service in itself, tease & denial may encourage other non-sexual tasks such as cooking or cleaning to please their partner. This takes the focus away from sexual intimacy and towards the discovery of different ways to be intimate with a partner.
Receiving Gifts: Receiving a shiny or colorful cage is not only a physical gift, but it is also a reminder of the inspirational gift of belonging/ownership. Being denied orgasms also raises the desire to please a partner by other means such as giving flowers or other small gifts.
Quality Time: Those who participate in chastity/tease/denial may note an increase in attentiveness from their partner. This often translates into high-level communication both inside and outside the bedroom.
Physical Touch: A chastity device makes the wearer constantly aware of the device against their naughty bits. However, when one’s primary sex organ is restricted from attention, one seeks both giving and receiving attention in different ways such as massage, foot rub, or cuddling.
Overall, we all appreciate love and affection in different ways. Practicing kink requires good communication between partners. Learning how we best communicate our desires to each other is one way to improve communication. Keep in mind that most people also have at least one secondary love language to build upon if the primary love language requires time to learn.
Learning about “5 Love Languages” will help build communication, fun, and emotional ties in your relationship. More information about the five love languages and a self-assessment tool are available through Gary Chapman’s website.
Quinn Blueheart 